Um...a post script to this blog posting from 2012...I haven't had a date since...
Okay, perhaps it was not the right thing to say on a first date, “Those aren’t your real top teeth, are they?” I shouldn’t have gone on when he answered, “No.” “Do you take them out at night and put them in a glass of water?” It was when he answered, “Yes” to that question that a very disturbing visual arose in my head, with the glass and the teeth and his top lip all sucked inward without his teeth. You’ve seen those photos, I know.
I fully expected him to turn tail and run, but, oh no! So, in order to continue to try to push him away, I made a perfectly innocent comment about his looks, “You look like a mobster...got the gold chain on...overly tanned...has anyone ever told you that?” He smiled with his overly-large, perfectly-shaped, gleamingly-white false teeth, gave me a creepy wink and said, “Yeah, actually they have.” “THEY?”
And, I should never have asked our server to take a photograph of us, although I wanted proof of the mess I’d gotten myself into through a dating site. I needed to show my friends what I was talking about when I was quizzed, post-date...”OMG! You wouldn’t believe it!” My silly request must have given him what he thought was a green light to sidle up to me, put his hand on my upper-inner (yes, I said, inner) thigh, turn to the camera and show his pearly whites.
After our server left, he stayed too closely ‘put,’ and began to discuss his sexual prowess, talents and knowledge of how to “make a woman happy.” If I had a nickel for every man who has said that to me, then missed the spot all together (sometimes for years on end), I’d be Bill-Gates-rich. While discussing his ‘strengths’ in this area, he actually leaned over and bit my neck!
By the way, I am not embellishing this experience one little bit, although it sounds like I’m making it all up, doesn’t it? As Sal has often said to me, “ANOTHER fine mess you’ve gotten yourself into!”
Can you women guess what happened when the check came? I thought it polite to say, “Shall we split that?” Now, here’s the confusion that all women our age experienced in the 60’s...free love, bras burning and equal rights does NOT mean that the woman should split the check! When she asks you that, it’s ONLY to be polite, and if you reply, “Sure,” as my date did...you just FLUNKED!
And, lest you judge me for my innocent remarks, he whispered in my ear as we left the bar, “You better stop all this, because I could REALLY start to like you.”
I have since removed my dating site profile. If it’s the single life for me henceforth...SO BE IT!! I’m carrying on regardless. He’ll find me. Oh Gawd!
3 things not to do when you go on a date with KK:
1. Put your hand between her thighs and wink.
2. Let her pick up her half of the check.
3. Bite her neck.
Sounds simple enough but…duh! This was the first date, asshole! Don’t put your hands all over the woman to where she feels like the goat at the petting zoo, for Godsakes don’t let her pay for anything, and then don’t, I repeat, don’t…bite her like she’s an apple in the dunking contest at the fucking carnival. Helloh! What were you thinking!
“Oh, she’ll love this; works every time…I’ll tell her that I know how to satisfy a woman in bed and that way she’ll go home with me tonight, fuck my brains out, and then make me some banana waffles for breakfast.” Are you kidding me?
Men, please! I’ve actually had dates do the exact same things to me, but never all three things in one date...and the first date. Even after KK emailed him and told him NO nicely, well, as nicely as KK can say such a thing, he kept calling her and texting her saying that if she would just meet with him as a friend..’you never know what could happen from there.’ KK finally just ate 17 oyster shooters at The Sand Bar and cancelled her subscription to match(dot)com, unfriended him on facebook, and put a Mickey Mouse bandaid over the teeth marks on her neck.
Seriously, guys, get a clue, hint, or crash course on how we ladies like to be treated. Buy some flowers, order the most expensive thing on the menu and then leave a big tip for that waitress that you both noticed is really a man. Tell a woman that she is really pretty, offer to take her to dinner on your yacht, and then… fix that pesky plumbing problem in her guest bathroom toilet.
If you do that last thing, she will be yours forever.